Television Eye

The erstwhile Wham singer's name has apparently been adopted as modern cockney rhyming slang for the term 'menstrual cycle' (as in, "Cor blimey guvnor, I wouldn't get into a barney with her. She's only on her George Michael, ain't she? Cor blimey, strike a light!"). I heard about this on BBC Radio 5 Live a couple of days ago from one of the guys who writes for Q.I. so it must be true.

Following on from this, I was hoping to be the first person to come up with 'sanitary towel' for Simon Cowell but I just googled it and, sure enough, someone's beaten me to it.

Inventing modern cockney seems to be a whole new cyberspace industry. I heard my favourite rhyme a few years ago when a guy I worked with in Kensington (not exactly the spiritual home of the cockney barrow boy) said that he was going to buy some new 'Lionels' in his lunch break. Before I could say "give us a clue" he explained that he was going to buy some new trousers (Lionel Blairs = flares, geddit?). Still makes me giggle now.

I had a sudden brainwave as I was typing that. Wouldn't Lionel Blair be an obvious choice as a judge on Strictly Come Dancing? I just googled him as well and he's already been mooted for Bruce Forsythe's role, should he ever drop off his perch. Bloody hell! It's impossible to come up with an original thought these days.

These thoughts lead me nicely into today's sermon. Television - Satan's Spawn or God-in-the-Corner?

The Brunette and I pride ourselves on no longer watching the telly. Or rather, we no longer watch television channels. There is a difference. We actually spend quite a lot of time watching t.v. programmes in the form of DVD box sets, which is great as we can choose which hours of the day to waste instead of having the decision made for us by the channels.

I was going to say that we don't even own a telly but that would have been a lie. We own two, both of which are in our County Leitrim home. However, neither of these can pick up broadcast television. Our 37" LCD is in a room with no aerial, cable or satellite connections and our portable is attached to an aerial that doesn't work any more. It's been like this for the last three years and we've apparently missed out on so much.

Reality t.v., for instance. I know it's been around for longer than three years but we were never really into it before then either. I've seen about twenty minutes in toto of 'Big Brothel' over the years, which is more than enough time for one to realise that one isn't trailer trash and one needn't ever watch it again (yes, I know I'm a snob but I wonder if any of that show's under-30 fans have read any George Orwell and realised that it's a bad idea).

I've seen a couple of episodes of 'I'm a Has-Been, Get Me onto that Jungle Show Immediately or I'll Find Another Agent' and I must admit that I can see how you could get sucked in. Fortunately I weaned myself off it before the addiction took hold.

I've seen the odd 'X Factor' and 'American Idol' and, love him or loathe him, you have to admire old Sanitary, don't you? In the same way that you might admire Jeffrey Archer. Both got into financial difficulties before rising, phoenix-like, to great wealth and influence and both produce pap that'll rot your brain if you stare at it long enough.

The one reality show that we've spent any significant amount of time watching (usually at our neighbours' gaff) is Strictly, mainly because the Brunette likes it, but even this is a rare occurence.

So what do we watch? Well, we're currently wading through the second season of 'House' (I say 'season' rather than 'series' because that's what the Yanks call it and it is their show after all). Hasn't Hugh Laurie done well? He's currently the sixth highest paid star in American network prime time television - not bad for an Eton boy! It's a good show, yet another in a long list of successful American medical dramas. Beats the hell out of 'Casualty' anyway. We left Florida on Thanksgiving Day (26th November) and one of the networks was showing episodes of House all that day - we nearly didn't come home.

We intersperse House with our third viewing of 'The West Wing'. Fantastic stuff. I've also recently caught up with all four seasons of the 're-imagined Battlestar Galactica', another great political drama. I haven't managed to persuade the Brunette of its worthiness yet but I'm working on it. I have to as we now have 'Caprica' to look forward to. Maybe I could get her to watch BG if I buy her the box sets of Law & Order Special Victims Unit.

The one thing in common with the above is that they are all, of course, American. The Yanks are putting out some fabulous drama shows at the moment but, in the light of Channel 4's recent announcement of the cancelling of Big Brothel, I'm hoping that we can soon return to the glory days of British t.v. drama series. That would be the nineties then. Cracker, A Touch of Frost, Cold Feet, Pie in the Sky, Between the Lines - the list goes on. We can still do quality comedy - The Thick of It, The Green Wing, The Office, Extras and Gavin & Stacey spring to mind.

If we can start churning out a few intelligent dramas with a bit of depth again (it's possible - look at Life on Mars and Ashes to Ashes) then perhaps I'll get our aerial sorted out.

Or wait for the box sets.

Keep 'em peeled,
oldblodger